I can only do so much, decisions in my life sometimes tend to feel like me warring with different versions of myself in my head. Its like each version has its own agenda and the battleship to back it. I can’t deny that each version is a little part of me, as are the agendas and the battleships. That being said the battle isn’t what keeps me awake, grinds me and crushes any positive mood. It’s the consequences of the future victor, the results from the decision that will be made.
My life doesn’t reflect the typical worry of everyday problems. The problems that ponder my mind most hover over my personal future. Other small problems with people, relationships, health etc. gain but a meager passing glance and attention from me. But why was that I asked, was it because of the fact that I really should (if I wasn’t such an idiot in the past) be in a better state of affairs.
It can be easily said that’s why I take decisions so seriously now (too seriously?). But has it helped anything, I can’t say. I haven’t progressed any more than I would have in any way or fashion or grown as far as I can recollect.
Whether I make bad choices or good ones, as l have good choices and end up being screwed, I even declined bad decisions and end up seeing the results which turn out well, then when I get enough balls to do it, it doesn’t end well. Makes you feel like ripping out your hair, like life personally hates and plays with you for fun!!
Yes these facts usually brings up “the life is not fair” mumblings much to our lips. Naturally your right, life isn’t fair, it is not fairy-tale story, its…life. I sometimes forget this but I try to make the best out of situations without turning into a wide-eyed dreamer. Life is hard whether your rich or poor, the decisions as such are no easier.
As I write this myself, I have some hard decisions to make. I usually do as responsibility gives me these choices from time to time. I try my best but what I have come to realize is that consequences from my choices go both ways. Good and bad effect occur at the offset and this makes the decisions harder when you can predict the most probable effect.
An example would be like a typical fantasy hero with the infamous rigid view of good and evil. He might not consider killing a race of wolverine like beings as bad, after all these insolent monsters killed many of his kin. But attacking them brutally without any provocation in someone else’s eyes might not seem so justified. On top of that this attack could lead more dissent between both races which would lead to more misunderstood violence, violence begets more violence (think about the Ferguson murder and the ensuing hatred that followed for enlightenment).
So in reality there is no true good and evil in decision-making, it really boils down to which social custom you decide to follow. If I told you there were thousands maybe millions of these unique standards, (this is before we accept it and add our own modifications to it to best suit us), people would reject me and tell me to go to church.
As I am a logical person who prefers deductive reasoning as it regards decisions I make. This tends to be a slow process for me which is why I don’t like to make decisions on the fly. It unnerves me and makes me uncomfortable. So relatively my decisions lack empathy and tend towards apathetic and practical decisions, instead of gut feelings and outbursts of decisiveness.
This causes problems as I am interpreted as cold and uncaring when these decisions affect people around me. As far as I am concerned my decisions have little to no effect on me. But why should they? After all it is my choice, aside from the minor guilt or regret of my decision in truth I feel nothing.
That brings to mind that common truth, everyone is selfish. My decisions are the at the end of the day are mine and so based off my experience, ambitions and reasoning. I think about other persons but that depends on the closeness of our relationship an even then its still in a documentary sense.
But I personally hated using emotion to guide my decisions, due to bad experiences in the past. Logic was the proven neutral, I wanted to attain a balance with every choice I made (idealistic?). But that ended up grinding my old sense of benevolence which tends to a more lenient and realistic result. Like two sides of a coin, my benevolent decision-making comes from my innocence as a boy, which is still slightly in tact (mended with tape). My logic mind developed as I matured into an adult.
Guess this is why people appreciate democracy so much, it allows for many minds to provide their many conflicted views to a certain issue. Which is usually more efficient and distributive decision-making. But it usually happens that it only takes one voice to steer many. So much for combined reasoning. Which remains me Jamaica’s motto is actually “out of many one people”, I laugh when I think of it as it might be more accurate to say “out of many, one government”.
I won’t delve too deeply into my hatred of the Jamaican political system, but when you think an entity such as the government with so many Bachelor and Master graduates would make much more informed decisions, strangely that seems absent. I wonder if that proverb too many cooks spoil the meal counts here.
When put to thought, I realize that wasn’t it. Though according to them they are more knowledgeable than us, the masses of people who vote for them. They fail to use the knowledge for the country, instead using it for the sole purpose of getting re-elected. Since the “diehard” followers do not need much to keep going back to the polling stations, the politicians do not need to do anything really except a few theatricals and roaring speeches and their in.
I suppose with my low empathy and lack of charisma I would make a terrible politician but effective civil servant to the state, wait or would I? When I think about it, what the people want from politicians is being told that everything is and will be alright more or less, reporters require proof, people only need to hear it. People vote them in, the choice is simple till its just sickening ignore reporters, tell people what they want to hear.
Placed in such a position I could easily make the same choice cause it would be so easy. This is why I swore I wouldn’t get involved in politics even though I avidly study it. Because I believe whatever shred of honor or honesty I have left would die in that profession.
Thinking on all these things, I decided a lot things today, one of them being I won’t kill all my emotions and closeness to the people I love to support some fool hardy equilibrium. In saying this, a little emotion is good for the soul, as are thinking about others if it concerns them. Hope you all decided on your New Years resolutions all you have to do now is complete them next year 2015. Happy New Year everyone and I hope for much blessings for you next year. Lets try to be more like these kids and enjoy our existence, reality is a drudge we all have to go though, but a little innocence once in a while can’t hurt.
N/B Praises and applause to those good politicians out there, few you may be but you stay true to your country. Your dedication and hard work won’t win you much friends and awards i fear, but carry on neither less not because its your job, but because it needs to be done.