I wonder How I Will Take Care of My Family

man relaxing on top of the mountain

So I have reached what many people would call the climax of the story that is my life, a pivotal high that can determine everything. Either that or I am making a big deal of things again. My problems are small but they are important to me because people are counting on me. Particularly, my mother and girlfriend, the urgency is real and I am reminded of it often.

I tried for a long time to downplay my finance problems and entrepreneurial failures but that is not my problem actually. I made an alright amount of money from working online. I have a pretty good salary compared to other people in Jamaica.

My problem is that to sustain both mother and girlfriend in question, there is not enough. It essentially goes hand to mouth. Using my common sense I predict this life will continue like this for a long time. I cannot see a possibility that I will in the near future become the great success I aspire to.

The only people I care for are my mother and girlfriend. My male friends ask why I do not just dump the girl? The answer is simple she makes me happy I do not want to kill my current happiness to save money. My mother is not even a question, so let us not go there. Though my brother used to be her main provider. I have to step in more now.

Earning more, I am spending more, why? Oh because I have more! Guess what I am spending a lot of it, not on myself or my business efforts but on the people I love. My kindness is my bliss and nightmare. Surprisingly I am known in some circles for being mean. Not actually mean, I just budget my money so strictly even kindness loans and gifts have their own budget. Homeless people I pass on the street get first precedence access to that budget.

Saving, sure I do that but that measly amount looks small when it is $6 million Jamaican dollars for a one bedroom house. This is why I feel hopeless because unless I can earn $100,000 per month or more. I will always be living at mother’s house for the next 5 years, if not more(I predicted it will be around 15 years for me at least).

Oh just get a loan they say, housing trust would only a fraction of the money needed to buy the house and I still have to pay a lot of money monthly. Using a bank is worst and would have me looking at over $40,000 per month mortgage bill. I cannot afford that. I do not have parents to help me, or wealthy family members. I am taking care of my mother just to illustrate my situation.

I am 25 years old, these facts kill my vibe essentially. Maybe I am a idiot for I am investing in the things I care about. But the people I care about live poorly due to the fact that I am not wealthy enough to make them live better. So I am working hard in limbo of things getting better through my brute efforts or stroke of luck.

My girlfriend is supposed to be working soon, hope that pans out well. I am just here deflecting bad thoughts from telling me to do dumb things. Trying to do my best because at the end of the day I do not want to be at top of the world alone. I started my journey as an entrepreneur due to my girlfriend. So it means everything to me for her to be at the top with me.

Maybe that’s foolish but I hear fools get further than scholars because they are the ones likely to do the unexpected, sometimes leading to extraordinary discoveries. Sounds neat right? I do not know just made it up. I am a terrible business man learning how to be a better one, but I make sure my responsibilities are taken care of, sometimes. Will I get where I need to at this rate, I wonder.


David Shaw is a certified nerd and scum of the earth. Jamaican by birth, he enjoys long walks and the simple things in life. He is also an entrepreneur, writer and graphic designer. You can follow his mundane madness on twitter @davidcs_aw

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I wonder How I Will Take Care of My Family

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