When a phoenix dies it burn to ashes, it can rebirths itself from those ashes. No one likes depression, stress or sadness. I can attest to this but I can say some good came out of the stress and depression I have undergone over the years. Half is my fault anyways trying to become an entrepreneur while taking care of your family is not easy. I didn’t have to try and become an entrepreneur placing myself under this stress.
But when the last depression happened and I lost it emotionally. Lashing out at the closest people around me, my relationship with my girlfriend was dissolved and I went off on my own wondering where I was going to go. I immediately got a clear view of my problems and insecurities.
People do not tend to have an idea of what is really bothering them until they express it usually in the most unsavory way at the wrong time. They only understand that there is a problem but because they do not deal with it and caging it in the process. It does not go away and instead fosters and grows into a parasite that saps joy. This causes sadness in your life.
The deeper the sadness the more the parasite is being fed. Once you are sad enough, the overall stress causes a depression. The depression is like the chronic condition. The stress will be the trigger for the breakdown you get later from it.
Most people breakdown from the pain of keeping the problem within themselves without release. It just grows unattended until it bursts out of the cage it was placed. Like a phoenix I bursted into ashes when I died. Whether I grew into a stonrger phoenix I cannot say.
But this happened to me, I never addressed the problems I was having. It grew into envy and spite. I never harbored those feelings naturally, they were manufactured by my poor handling of my feelings. As a professional I should have had more emotional intelligence, but what can I say I am human.
But I should have never caged my feelings especially from the person I trust with my future. Much less unleash it on her like it was her fault. We reconciled shortly after but I cannot take back those words, so for me the reunion was bittersweet.
What happened to me while I was on my own, I sought help in my sadness in losing somebody important to me. I crafted a new resolve to use my experience to ensure no one has to go through the same stress and hardship to build a business or life for themselves. I was happy in this resolve. Writing that post even, then she called…
I had left the relationship with much baggage and much undone. She desired to see if things had change with my perspective on things. I actually was under a new philosophy and prerogative then last time. I was at peace with myself and my resolve was stronger than it was at any other point in my life. I became stronger so I was not angry or bitter anymore but I was not looking forward to going back in the relationship either.
I needed to remember what was important, my goal. My personal goal of becoming the entrepreneur to save the world from poverty and actualize my startup company’s dream is paramount. Regardless, the rekindle of the relationship took a series of days involving consoling with much introspection and communication between us.
With each depression I can see my emotion, wisdom maturing. It has made me dealing with the overall stress which has increased due to more work I am doing, much more easier. It made seeing another man with my ex-girlfriend an inspiring thing not something to hate as other people would have done.
Growing up, i left behind most of my typical human behaviors. At this point I am not sane or normal, much less Jamaican. If I was, I would have went on a spending spree and get a random girlfriend from my draft pick list and try to hide the pain and discontent I was feeling.
Well I am not Jamaican then, I am not going to waste my money on another girl just to spite my first one. Neither am I sane enough to look for another love to heal my heart, I filled it with my desire to achieve my goals, make the wealth I needed to take care of myself. Yep think I turned into a complete asswipe at this juncture. But am I?
After all If I cannot help myself, how can I help anyone else? I communicated it to her but the typical conversation of sticking with her “until better hopefully comes” was used. Hope, my cold entrepreneurial mentality hated that word and anything related to it, I would prefer metrics and a plan. Sitting there I realized that should be my plan. No it will be.
Communicating my last resolve to her. She felt it was best, we been struggling for too long, it was time to do things differently. Naturally she would see it with half as much resolve as she had to be a mother to a child and make sure of that. I know we will have conflict over that sooner rather than later.
What can I say, will this happen again though? It would take stress a lot worst than last time i reckon.
But I am stronger now for this if smarter translates to stronger that is. Like a phoenix, maybe I am one, either that or a fool but a fool is better than lost man in my opinion. Rebirth everytime and keep flying towards my dream, working towards something. Life is about gaining that ultimate goal. I need nothing more than that.
David Shaw is a certified nerd and scum of the earth. Jamaican by birth, he enjoys long walks and the simple things in life. He is also an entrepreneur, writer and graphic designer. You can follow his mundane madness on twitter @davidcs_aw